The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No...this little piggys going to the bar
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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