first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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