I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
