meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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