The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
