my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
