I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
