There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
