I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize