Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All the doctor said was why
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
