So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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