I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
