News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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