I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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