I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
