i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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