twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I want her autograph on my taint
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
