Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
