Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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