Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
