you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
