This dress was meant to end up on your floor
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
