My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
