The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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