How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
