I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
