so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
