: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
