I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize