the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
