Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
