he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
home. puking in laundry basket.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
