Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
