the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
