I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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