did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
