She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
