hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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