Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
