I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
