I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
