I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize