You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
