I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
