i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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