FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
