I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
