i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize