I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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