You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
