I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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