Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
