Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's shark week go big or go home
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
