yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
