Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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